Not Real, and a clean sweep.

Friday I worked in the studio and has a series of understandings and discoveries in my painting. I even figured out what I wanted to paint next.

That night I went to Good Citizen Gallery to check out Eric Troffkin's show Not Real. Eric was one of my graduate instructors and I think of him as a sort of parent figure. He was a great teacher; the kind that got invested in who you were as an artist and tried to give you advice in align with your goals. He was also very honest about the art world and lack of jobs post grad school. I knew that he was an excellent technician and that he had extensive model building skills, he even worked for James Turrell.

When I walked in the room I first noticed on the left wall several crystal like shapes in pastel colors hanging from the ceiling and slightly grouped together. On the right wall I saw a series of light boxes that appeared to be close ups of these installations although with different lighting situations. As I moved through the crowd, I saw that the floor was covered with piles of hexagonal shapes in a variety of pastel colors. They were stacked in a manner that made me think of; people that balanced plates, honeycomb, and candy. The color of many items in the room was reminiscent of candy and in that tradition the gallery served Spree and Jellybeans in addition to the regular cheese/cracker/wine spread. Gotta love a space with a sense of humor.

There were three hanging installations. Direct lights forced strong shadows to appear on the back wall, shadows that were larger than the original piece so that they became an additional form. (Sort of like Tim Noble and Sue Webster only not figurative or representational)


Initially I had a lot of questions: What were these forms made of? Did he dye them himself? Were they related to platonic solids? What was this idea of the lense flare?

An ever-teacher Eric answered all these questions for me. They were made of cast foam and he mixed the different colors. They were not platonic solids because there is no six sided platonic solid.

Lense flare is a visual that appears in photos but is not a real occurence. Typically it appears as starbursts, rings, or circles on a photograph or in a film. This odd effect happens when light scatters in a lens system because of reflection, strong bright lights, or an irregularity on the lens. It's shape is determined by the six parts of the aperture.

Did you know? A lens flare is used to suggest drama. It was an effect in early computer graphics. Think Easy Rider and Star Trek.



The color scheme was inspired by the color of his young daughter's toys. Each installation is created in a new way as it is shown in a different venue. The shadow of the object is as important (possible more so?) than the hanging objects as it is another illusion, a shadow that is not real. This is a really terrific and visually playful show by a serious sculptor.

Saturday I returned to my studio, this time I had the intention to clean. I had to re-sort and organize materials and space post project. Five hours later I began to paint. Well mid painting I got tired, which kind of sucked because I had hoped to solve a little more. I ran out of patience and focused energy. For awhile I was depressed; that the painting had not been solved, that I'd used most of my day to clean. I wanted the Eureka! feelings of Friday to continue. In the end I decided to go on an adventure with Emily H. At 11pm we went out for a drink and then ended up at a dance party. The change of scenery, infectious music, and hilarity of being one of the "old people" at a party was enough to lighten my spirits.

Today the cleaning spree continued at my house. My bf is a total neat freak so when we started cleaning it was like a chain reaction the next thing you know he had cleaned the whole house. After preparing for my teaching classes, I went to Jill A's house. She bought a painting from me. (Painting on right) She has quite a collection of St. Louis art. She is a wine sommelier. Which makes me think Kudos to her for also being a young art collector. I think that is something that could be further explored in St. Louis, encouraging young people to collect art. I really enjoyed sharing a glass of wine with her and swapping travel stories. We had been acquaintances for a several years and it was connecting to see who she was as a person. Plus she has a cool dog.

This week if you are looking to do something fun on Thursday night the White sisters are playing records at Royale. Promises to be fun dancing.

Precious and Late Night Two Step

This weekend I went to CAT workshops on Friday and Saturday. I was lucky to win two tickets to the screening of Precious as part of the St. Louis Film Festival. I had just completed the book as part of CAT. The movie was strong although not as powerful as the book. The book graphically described the incest, abuse, and cycles of violence as experienced by the main character Precious, an overweight African American 16yr old, mother of two, and her schoolmates. These girls overcame their traumatic life experiences largely as they learned to read and write, going from illiterate to regular writers. I had questioned how they would portray graphic parts in the film like the moments that the main character Precious was molested., there were some strong metaphorical visual stand-ins, like stop motion footage of a ceiling crumbling in. The character mentally escaped to a dreamlike glitzy space where she was dancing, fabulous, and the center of attention in a Hollywood like manner, think Diamonds are a girls bestfriend. The film did an effective job creating a sense of the setting (Harlem) and time period (80's)for this character. However I missed hearing the voices of the other schoolmates. In the book their stories were developed as side voices and companions to Precious, this emphasized the severity and regularity of violent/abusive home lives. All in all, I was happy that this story was made into a film as it told a story that usually does not make it to the big screen, without a happy ending, and without a typical Hollywood star. Also Mariah Carey plays a surprising role as the counselor in a very unflattering black wig.



Ended Saturday night at Dave Johnson's house. A sort of old timey romantic gentleman and free spirit, Dave asked if anyone wanted to two step. B.J. and I had just been talking with a girl who danced at SIUE. Dave swooped her off her feet and twirled he around the room. She shouted out "look at me I'm dancing the two step". I heard joy in their footsteps. Their dance ended as her taxi arrived and she took off into the night. Late night spontaneity.

Cam and I finished Drive By Installation today. Check out the corner of Compton and Cherokee to see this new incarnation of the ant circus.

The Visitor who wasn't There and A Weekend of Performance

photo of Bruce Nauman

Last week, my dear friend Christy from Chicago, called to ask if I could help find a place for one of her projectionists to stay as they attended a conference. I sent out a general facebook email to film and art supporters. With amazing generosity Gary Passanise offered up his cave studio- as he had moved out and the new tenant was not yet in the space. The one condition was that Doug M, the visitor, had to vacate the space on Friday for a performance. I thought that Cam and I would not be great hosts for Doug because we were preparing and then installing at Snowflake's Drive By Space.

When Doug rolled into town on Wednesday I had him meet me at Local Harvest for a vegan lunch meal. I then took him on a fast South side tour to the studio spaces. If you have not been to Gary's studio, it is an amazing space carved into the rock wall of the bluffs along the Mississippi. The entrance is an Alice in Wonderland keyhole that opens up into a giant space. Complete with primitive kitchen, zen bathroom, contemplation room, James Bond bedroom, and 18ft studio painting walls, visitors leaving this space also like to call it the bat cave. (or maybe I heard Laura Fried say that and it just stuck?) Anyways we were just sort of giddily joyfully walking around the space feeling amazed that Doug got to stay there and that it was a sort of one of a kind experience. This made me wish that we could just regularly have a visiting artist program where people could stay at Gary's space.... Em H. also stated something of the sort to me. I left Doug there with promises that he would leave no trace behind and went to work....
I kind of like being a tour guide because when someone else finds St. Louis amazing, I find it to be a little more exciting as well. Each time I called Doug the next couple of days, he continued to express his delight about the almost magical experience he was having as he visited St. Louis this felt sort of contagious to me.

If there is too much to do over a weekend is that a strong sign of the city's vitality?

Friday night went to the Here they are once again for their very first 7th Annual Midwestern Assorted Produce Snuff Shorts Film Triennial, a video and performance exhibition that includes no films. Performance at Boots. I Watched a guy Ross Moreno try to "break" a Guiness Book of World Records for most balloon animals made. Dressed in clown shoes, rainbow wig, suspenders, shorts, fake nose, no top, he reminded me slightly of Bruce Nauman's piece currently up at MCA. His actions were different in that he interacted with the audience by passing out dog twisted balloons. The harder he tried to make the balloons rapidly the more he became flustered and the more balloons that popped. Finally he had an all out tantrum, someone from the audience threw a beer at him (planned) and he left the room. Perhaps some commentary on masculinity , the futility of a sisyphean task, or a commentary on the people that go after this funny little feats. The human need to be important and immortalized.

Left this performance for one at Gary's Studio or "Studio E" as performed by BFA Webster Student Nick Jacobs. After a long wait, the lights turned down and Nick walked out topless in jean shorts and socks. He climbed up onto a row of dressers that were painted black and lined up like runway. Moving to the front of one of the dressers, he began to talk about early sexual warnings; like never wear socks while having sex. So he pulled off his socks one at at time. Then while clutching two neon lights, he said how sex would hurt like hell and the threw the light down. They shattered. I was unfortunately seated on the ground and nearly pelted with light shrapnel. Then he said something about "wanting to do it over and over" and threw the final light. Next he began to chug tons of creamer and then spew it towards the audience, towards the ground, onto himself, and then finally onto reflections of himself in the mirror. This repeated. I interpreted it as coming to terms with sexual identity that involved revulsion but also act of acceptance in the retelling.

Ran into Doug again Sat. morning and he continued to celebrate his St. Louis love saying he thought he liked it even better than Chicago and heralding a street like Cherokee where "vintage shops, music shops, and galleries, lay side by side". Cam and I went for a long day at Snowflake were we began to build our latest incarnation of the Ant Circus installation.





I rushed home so I could pick Keith Bucholdz up in time to prepare for Fluxus Performance at Artica. Keith invited Eric Repice and I to perform with him. He had created Fluxus score of pieces from the 60's till now. Before we went on, I even got to make a music video to Prince's Raspberry Beret, by way of Eleanor Balson's Music Video setup. Cam announced each of our performances from the stairwell. I had fun trying to keep a straight face as we did small actions like shuffling into and around the room, or standing and doing absolutely nothing for a few minutes. I especially enjoyed George Brecht's Water Music where we slowly dropped water into a bowl on the ground and a small sound piece developed in the action. Photo below of George Brecht.




Heard from Doug last night he even scored tickets to Leonard Cohen. How did he do it? Today we went back to Snowflake for several hours, we've been gifted with unconditionally warm weather, it's been a great day to install. This next week I'll be preparing for CAT workshop again and finishing up the Drive By Install.

What importance are holiday rituals?

I start this by saying, I had a completely lame Halloween. The weekend started out strong, Gordon Matta Clark Opening at the Pulitzer, Both ends together show at Fort Gondo. Then on Saturday Cam and I became bogged down by work. First we spent three hours looking at property 'cause we are thinking of rehabbing a building for studio-live space. Then we spent 5 hours in the studio, which often is a admirable way to spend a weekend, but not so good on Halloween.
This year I did not have Halloween ritual, no pumpkin carving (I did paint a pumpkin), no daily shot of candy, no trick or treaters at my house. 10:30pm at my house, post studio, I started feeling sad and remorseful. In an attempt to bring alive a little Day of the Dead I asked Cam to tell me about people in his life that he'd lost. - like what kind of food they liked and what they enjoyed doing. This brought some closeness between us and I was able to think about my own grandmother who is probably at this point the greatest absence in my life.

Anyways In years past I've participated in Day of the Dead in Mexico City which lasts three days, by walking around and looking at shrines. Day of the Dead on Cherokee Street which consisted of an impromptu parade, shrines, and shared food. I have a close childhood friend who regularly threw creative Halloween parties. In college we would go to multiple costume parties. One year with three friends and a dog we coordinated to be the Scooby Doo Gang. As a child, I went trick or treating in homemade costumes that I spent weeks making.
I love costuming and performance. I like the trickster quality of Halloween where people transform in to something or someone else for the night. What I learned this year was don't forget to keep your holiday traditions a priority.
This lack of Halloween led to a little relationship understanding as I learned my need for connection and community is at times in opposition to Cam's need for solitude and hermit-ness. That seems to be okay as long as we don't stop being ourselves.
One of my interior struggles as an artist are I want both connection and solitude. I want to generate something that I am proud of that can embody my ideas about the world and then I really enjoy sharing that with people.

Do I take myself too seriously? I stumbled into an at times pretentious reading which left me thinking man why do these people take themselves so seriously. This led to a conversation with a friend about people who just want to make things that are good or poetic or performative, pick a word. Not everyone needs to make something that has a social or community consciousness, which I agree with and I myself suffer. Sometimes I might just want to make a painting about beauty or personal experience. I'm probably most interested in people that embody both ideas; they take them self seriously and they are playful or they acknowledge that it out of their control, in the end anyways. Probably my pet peeve is just perpetual name droppers.

Pulitzer Show is a strong one, especially if you've never seen a Gordon Matta Clark show before. I saw it a few years ago at MCA in Chicago and it was stellar. This is a nice re-situating of some of these pieces. A few are more provocative, like the four corners of the home that are positioned to suggest the rest of the building, inside a small room that creates an intimate experience. Also really was interested in the trash wall piece as I'd seen the video of WU students collecting trash and knew that one of my friends BJ Vogt had helped cast that piece. I enjoyed that there was a performative fluxus quality to this piece as it seemed to be about collaboration, following directions, and collecting in space in a manner that was semi-performative for the student collectors. (I saw footage of two guys lugging a couch down the road). I missed however the takeaway quality of the Walls paper. That seemed to me to be an essential part of Clark's work, that this was something that any person could take and then contribute to their space somehow.

Cherokee Street Both ends show at Gondo was a nice conglomeration of artifacts, brainstorms, and ephemera from past Cherokee projects and collaborations. It hinted at the history of art and activism on the streets and switched the context of much of the art from hanging on community art space walls, at local businesses, and home walls to the temporary gallery space.

Have also been meaning to talk about being in the CAT class at RAC only am puzzled about how to describe an experience that is partially meant to be kept among the members at the meetings. Although very time consuming as evident by the three day marathon meetings and outside meetings with mini groups, I am looking forward to the little nuggets of ideas and approaches for community art projects. Also it has been a treasure for me to discover an entire new network of artists working in and around St. Louis.

Thrill the World the international M.J. dance performance was a success over a 100 people. One ritual I did not miss this year! Here is a picture of me in my costume.

All ritual was not lost! Today I had my unofficial Halloween celebration. I started doing laundy at my parent's house, where I was able to eat at least 4 hershey miniature candies. Then I went down to Cherokee Street for the Dia de Los Muertos gathering put together by Minerva. I saw a few ofrendas, ate some free bread and cake, got a sugar skull from Minerva, and then sat to draw one of the ofrendas. There was even a spontaneous low rider car parade down the street! Minerva said she'd been getting slack from people on facebook about not having more stuff going on, it sounds like there weren't many people that came out to help support and make other events happen. Who knows maybe its the slow economy or too much going on elsewhere....Reguardless I got a little bit of the connection that I was missing.

BocoMo in a day

On Saturday Cam and I took our time traveling to Columbia and stopping at Garage Sales and antique malls on the way. We wanted to be there by 5 for my friend Janel's b-day. My most exciting purchases were a vintage hat and quilt patterns that are essentially cardboard stencils. I am still looking for odds and ends to build part 2 of ant circus, a miniature circus scene.

What you are doing now as a group does matter.

I'd been wondering how to honor MJ's legacy, as I did not feel a part of the media flurry after his death. My zumba teacher Katie provided me the answer this past week. She invited me to her Thrill the World dance practice. This month and half class will end by participating in the round the world Thriller Dance a shared dance that occurs simultaneoulsy on October 25th. There are two classes that meet at Brentwood Y on a regular basis and one crash course class. Apparently the world record was set by Austin, TX when they had 800 people dance together.

When my brother and I were little Thriller was one of the only things we could agree on. We spent hours coordinating dances in my parents basement that would involve us sliding down the stairs and then posturing with our Jackson 5 gold glove (we shared this treasure). The actual coordinated Thriller video was awe inspiring for me and I never imagined that it could be broken up into manageable learned steps. I am also interested in this whole concept of Thrill the World as it reminds me of Adrian Piper's Project Funk Lessons where she taught people how to dance to funk music. Not only does it bring me extreme joy to be in a dance class with people of all ages, but also I crack up when we are doing moves with names like "booty bump" and "wuz happening?". There is a sort if acceptance of body and movement that happens when were all contorting in front of a wall of mirrors.

This is also fulfilling to me as I've been seeking out rituals. I've been thinking a great deal about rituals; ones that are out of the norm or everyday. This weekend I've had a series of satisfying art experience and I think it is because they have tapped into an aspect of this idea.

A local gospel choir opened up and invoked a little soul/jesus into Boots on Friday night. Theaster Gates, artist, followed their moving songs with a welcome relinquishing the creatorship of the objects on the wall to his neighborhood, as they were all simply things he'd collected around him. A spoken word poet began to question what was god and where was god and how did people experience god. Then Theaster and his Black Monks of Mississippi started to sing. They sang songs about Dave the Slave Potter. His stories seemed to be mixed in with contemporary observations that I imagine Theaster and his group had experienced. The sound was Lou Rawls meets Paul Robeson meets Soweto Choir meets Last Poets. Ritual of song and storytelling.

Kick in the butt Saturday as I wasted much of my day waiting for Cam and then just headed to the studio to spend hours cutting magazines. Went o White Flag for the Destroy all Monsters show, DaM was a collective out of Detroit that experimented with art, music, video, and zines. This show was a celebration of ephemera and archives from their practice. Pop Collages with images of B movies, psychedelic patterns, art folk, and landmarks were printed on sign banners hung on all the walls. Cases located throughout the gallery featured collected artifacts like slogan pins, action figures, and print material. On the ground videos played montages of b movies and dance shows that reminded me of St. Louis public access programs. Towards the end of the show, one of the original Monsters joined musicians in playing a spontaneous set. As Detroit and St. Louis have often paired as similar cities, I was struck by how I could imagine this same stuff coming out of artists in St. Louis. As if the show was saying, what you, St. Louis are doing as a group, does matter now. Those expecting to see work like Mike Kelly's were probably disappointed as there was not much evident object-making or handmade. However it is possible to imagine his present video work, the piece were he recreated high school events, coming out of this sort of pop culture outsider geekery fascination. Archives of a ritual that once was.



Tonight I return from The Books performance at The Luminary Center. The basement space was filled by a calm polite crowd. When the Lymbic System began three quarters of the crowd sat on the ground. This practice continued through the night. One surprising aspect of the Books performance for me was their use of video as an aspect of the song. It seems cool for performers to use visuals to back up their music, very rarely do I see videos that work in tandem with the music. Their penchants for collecting sound was paralleled by a sorting of visuals from video tapes found at thrift stores. Ambulating, stream of conscious, metaphors. Everyday rituals, boiling tea water, women in a group laughing, hugging games, children jumping in snow, human fly, babies eating, bugs crawling, heart beating, girls shooting guns, old men trying on hats, disaster videos from the 1930's. Chris Marker on fast forward edited to match the beats of music.

Nature of the Beast

Work by Mamma Anderson

Insecurity, gossip, self doubt, depression, are these the nagging dark sides of an artist's personal practice? Saturday night in the bench corner of Fort Gondo, myself and small group of artists pondered the, at times, manic ego of an artist. This conversation was spurred by two things.

One, the ravings of an artist about his disappointments with the GRB selection where this person went as far as to accuse one artist of "paying off the museum". (To quench any doubts on this subject, I can vouch that this winner had no money for any sort of bribes.) One person suggested that perhaps this raving artist was really just entirely insecure, to which another person responded he was entirely secure, to which another replied, then he must be completely insecure. I myself have been guilty of critiquing an artist in the past, I'd like to think though that was I was more disappointed with this individuals artworks and tried to not let the personality be a part of the critique.


my own image Kali taking on all of man's inhumanity.

Still I think there is an unspoken artistic etiquette.
Here are some of my peeves.
Someone that talks about themselves all the time. Unnecessarily Cocky.
Laziness, does not work hard or appears to not do the best work they can.
Is disrespectful- this includes is sexist or does not view me as an artistic equal. This could also mean that they don't respect people in general and treat other human beings (museum staff, janitors, children) as if they are not as important.
Lacks integrity.
Is patronizing.

All right so I contradict myself a bit, if an individual is many of the above most likely, I will be less interested in their art work. That's just me though.

Back to the conversation, so I shared my own past insecurities about my partner's success and that was when I said it was the nature of the beast. When many people are competing for a few awards, it definitely riles egos. I like to see it all as one giant crap shoot where you have to just keep making sure you throw the dice. To some extent hard work and social networking can pay off but when it comes to a jury, what one group might embrace, another might reject. There is a tendency to get caught up in it, this game, at which point an artist has to remind themselves why they are in it in the first place, to make art.

The second catalyst was the show at Snowflake that was honoring a young musician that had recently committed suicide. Which to me got at another issue, you just never know who is suffering depression. Amazing artists can struggle with any of these issues. I'd like to believe that graduate school taught me that an artist did have to be functioning and smart in order to succeed. That there is not some sort of Van Gogh tortured artist myth curse we are stuck with and will encounter throughout our lives. Grad school did not teach me that, it taught me that you could make work with a mental illness and you could not make work with a mental illness. It taught me that someone could be an inconsiderate person and still achieve but people remembered that so it might bite that person later. Some people are really good at playing the art world game or the university game and if they are super caught up in it, probably they aren't making much work. On the other hand a person could be making a ton of work and no one may ever see it. Bottomline I think if someone is just making art in St. Louis so they can be an art star, probably they need to move and become a musician.

Maybe none of it makes sense or is ever clear perhaps it is all slightly silly and irrational. This was one sentiment I left with at the recent Contemporary Show, which I enjoyed quite a bit and I plan on returning to on my own. There was a conflation of
the ridiculous and the intellectual, closed off presentation and spontaneous appearing to not care, but caring. Where we supposed to be getting it or was it the not getting it but just enjoying that aspect a part of it? I feel like I am saying tongue twisters.

In summation I am as guilty as anyone else of suffering the initially stated mental plagues and wish to find ways to transcend them and not have the own me. With that said, my best strategies have included communication, counseling, and a constant vigilant check in with myself that- I am doing what energizes me most in the world.

I also try to find a few small things to appreciate.
Here goes this week:

1. Irma Thomas, listening to her record at Vintage Vinyl brought a tear to my eye. Early ep with It's Raining that sounds warm and totally low tech. What a voice.

2. Food Alchemy, made leftover crusty chinese rice into rice pudding. A squash gifted from Lyndsey became Au gratin that even my picky b.f. wanted to eat.

3. Almuerza with Lyndsey, we had a big shared making of lunch and then lots of conversation (charlamos), Spanish style because of the time and companionship.

4. Sharing my studio with my Aunt and Uncle who are crazy craft hobbyists, a quilter and hunter, seeing how jazzed they were about the Arcadia Space.

5. Studio time. Post burn out, I have been back in the studio like mad, I am in my Mamma Anderson derivative painting, cause I am trying to get why I love her so much.

Elysia Mann in photo.
6. Steven and Elysia, they are just awesome. I love their enthusiasm, hardwork, and bravery. I am proud of the risks they have taken to open All Along Press and make a go at a community printshop.

7. My sister, she is a total badass and just won her first marathon.

8. Got into CAT institute. I am looking forward to the new community I will meet.