I haven't been writing publicly here for a while.  For the past year I've been working on sharing my film Elegy to Connie.  During that time I blogged a few times on the film website.  I haven't been writing much, in part, because I became tired of my own voice and I felt anxious about having a public persona, one that existed outside of my one-on-one interactions with a person.  This past year there have been so many things going on in St. Louis, that I quite frankly have not felt like I had the voice or strength to write publicly.  Sure I've continued to write in my journal on a regular basis but this is as much therapy for myself as it is writing for pleasure or to reflect on the world.
An embarrassing secret about me, is that I don't like to hear my voice on radio or watch interviews I've done.  It probably stems from several psychological things- my parents saying they would record me and embarrass me later when I was a kid having tantrums, to my teenage eating disorder self always disliking what I saw in the mirror.  Today I've faced a big fear by watching one of my interviews.  And I am happy with the interview.

I think I might write here for a while again.  Enough has happened in my life that I think I need this space to share my thoughts.  My throat feels stuck.  Strangely yesterday I changed my profile pic on facebook to an image of myself breathing out a rainbow.  Seems symbolic.

A quick in a nutshell update would be- I finished my film and began to share the film, these events coincided with my participation in Witnessing Whiteness and coming to terms with my lack of knowledge about my own white privilege.  This understanding came in advance of the Mike Brown shooting and the Ferguson Movement which led to several months of protests and conversations in addition to the work around my own film.  I had the honor of helping lead a CAT group on Cherokee Street.  We had another year with the People's Joy Parade.  My husband and I bought a house, got married, and moved out of our apartment.  Then we took a five week backpacking trip to Europe. 
I now find myself smack dab in my parents house, living here temporarily while we try to finish the bathroom and bedroom in our new house. 

My emotional forecast today.
Today I felt angry about all of the shootings happening in St. Louis.  Teenagers being shot on playgrounds by cops.  Cops being shot at by kids in Central West End.  People being shot near Ted Drewes.  In Europe, I rarely felt unsafe.  In fact, I felt much lighter knowing that very few people had guns.  I am sick of the gun culture of this country.  I wish there would be a National program to dis-arm people.  When I was traveling I thought about quality of living and human rights.  I don't think we have a good quality of life in the U.S. and the sense of violence is like a fog hanging over us, from random violence to mass shootings to gang shootings, a person living here has to worry about his safety on a regular basis.  Even more disturbing is it is not an outright violence like a war, it is a hidden violence, one that for whatever reason people in this country seem content to live with.  I see there being people that live with it because they are hopeless or live with it because they have not yet had gun violence touch their immediate lives. This detracts from our quality of life.  I am depressed about this and I don't know what I can do.  I've always been a St. Louis advocate but today was the first day I wished I could live abroad.

The name of my blog initially was mostly meant to encompass the adventures I had traveling or in St. Louis.  It feels old to me, mostly because I would also like to write about the things I have learning this past year and "Wander Full" has a bit too much of a Polyanna sound.  I'd also like to not have the burden of being timely or travel specific.  Rather I'd like to write about things as they come to me, regardless if they are childhood memories or happened yesterday.  With that in mind,  I might post a few old drafts that I failed to share for one reason or another.  I might write about my rehabbing experience.  I might write about an art exhibit.  So I am looking for a name that could suggest jumps forward or backward in time, travel, memory, self understanding, art.  Telescope?  To start I hope over the next few weeks to share stories from my trip and thoughts on what is happening in St. Louis in relation to the world.  From there, we will see.  Here I go.


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