Happy Martin Luther King Day

I have been trying to figure out a ritual that would help me celebrate MLK Day.

So far I have
-practiced yoga
-looked for tennis shoes, no luck.
-looked for inspiring book, half luck.

I have instead decided to write here, out of an angst because I don't feel more today. I'd say this started last night. After watching several youtube clips of the inauguration concert, I wanted to know how I could participate in service day or be a part of the "change" movement. Many of the events started while I was working so as I was trying to fall asleep I was unsure if i'd be able to make any events. Instead I spent a while reading a recent UTNE reader about fear. I'm not sure if it was the magazine or what but I could not fall asleep.

This morning I went and babysat. When I got home the same blur remained. Then a phone call from a former teacher, she had a lead on an adjunct job. This job was at a school I'd been interested in teaching at and there was a time that fit my irregular schedule. Although the medium was not my usual, I thought I could come up with something. After talking to Cam, I said yes. The funny thing was though; I was bothered that I'd said yes. I'd spent so long dreaming about my free time and the amount of new space I'd have with less work that I couldn't tell if I'd betrayed myself a little bit. Somewhere at the root of why I said "yes" there was a little fear. Fear that I wouldn't have covered my bills, that I'd get back into credit debt. I would probably have had to find part time work at another place. Accepting the new job meant that the fear of getting by would not exist. Instead it was the fear of not enough time. In an OCD manner I went over my budget and my weekly schedule trying to be sure this was the best decision.

Another problem that is at the root of this is- I have a huge problem saying No. I really like to help people out and support them for odd jobs. I also like to back up friends projects. What this new acceptance meant was that I'd be back in the space where I'd have to protect my studio time and exercise the art of saying "No." I worked and worried the rest of the afternoon, like a secretarial robot.

En route to yoga I reflected on how all of this seemed very unMLK day like. In conversation with Lindsey I felt a little relief and came up with the option of writing a poem to get present and reflect. At the end of our conversation she said "I had a dream". That made me think all I needed to do today was perhaps remember and rephrase a few dreams. In yoga, I began to tell myself I can handle it.

Here are a few dreams personal and collective:

Personal- protect my studio time, make more art work and work less,
get exercise movement four times a week and remember that feels fantastic
ride bikes, take walks more, drive less
stay connected with friends try to eat with someone once a week and correspond with someone once a week,
give myself time to be lazy
check out different churches with soulful music or people
apply to things that might make more opportunity for me
don't try to teach everything, make room for presence in classroom
practice NVC
cook meals
finish old projects
save for vacations
let go of jealousy, insecurity, control, sadness, judgement, perceptions of these things projected on me.

people finding jobs and life paths that are satisfying
healthcare that supports everyone
access to education at all levels
access to art experiences
doing things that strengthen communities
create a living minimum wage
have free and easy counseling for those who need it.
local farmers and crafters and workers surviving with ease
eliminating gun craze in US.
healthy sense of self esteem and sexual identity
people need to be able to keep their homes
create more public transit
have recycling and composting be a way of life.
preservation of natural environment
rebuilding our cities instead of spreading of suburbs.
supporting growth of whole person not just specialization.
shorter work weeks, more vacation times.

That's all I got now. Post me more if you have some.


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